An Email From Hell: Beelzebub On The Coronavirus

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]

Subject: COVID-19 (Coronavirus)

Fungleunderrot,

I am emailing you to speak about a new exploit in our prey’s psychology. This development should allow you to meet your quota more efficiently. Your numbers as of recently have been abysmal, and you are under threat of executive reinstitutionalization. We would not want that to happen, again. It is in your best interest to heed the following words.

We have found in our testing that if we increase the patients’ perception of a few current events, we can excite their fear of the unknown. This fear is both vague, useless, and has the added benefit of being aimless, making it perfect for our cause. So long as you are manipulating them to view the correct media and focus on the desired events, they will maintain a delightfully vague sense of impending doom. They will begin to fear death, change, and any other mode of being which is outside their current experience, all will start to frighten them. These generally ambiguous feelings are the ones we want to latch onto and amplify within the prey.

Now, we both know that the morsels are always in danger of alteration and death, but thanks to the devious work of the devils down under, we have fooled them into believing that they really could set up some permanent station on earth. They have forgotten their mortality, and as a result, we will have gained a feast.

This brings me to the topic at hand. As you no doubt know, we have been winning an increasing number of souls for our father below as a result of this new virus outbreak. I want to urge you to turn the attention of all the souls under your guidance to this new virus. Be sure to keep any of those rotten realistic thoughts out of their heads. Bring them up on the backwater conspiracy theories and thoughts of global catastrophe. Get them to really believe that this is the worst thing that could happen to both them and their precious world. So long as you are exciting this fear, they will truly come to think that their only danger is the virus.

Once you have aggravated their fears of death by an illness, you can drive them to action. There have been many wonderful things done for our cause out of fear. It is by this fear that we start wars, upend friendships, and break marriages. As I recall, there was one pathetic soul who gave up the one woman in his life who was prepared to teach him all the virtues of the world, but old Globghoul had been working on him for years. The fool had leapt at the first chance to drop her. Globghoul led him to forget all of our enemies teaching on love and instead had him focus exclusively on the possibility of pain arising out of commitment and vulnerability.

After he spent a couple of years meditating on the mere possibility of being hurt, he was so afraid that we could get him to do anything we wanted if only we promised freedom from those pains. Globghoul eventually drove him to the ultimate escape. He was in our grasp shortly after.

That is not our only success story in this area. Fortunately for us, nearly all of the ones untouched by our enemy’s teaching are driven by fear. This is why we are rolling out this new attack strategy. If we manage to maintain the masses’ attention on the Coronavirus, we can win a great many more souls. Thus preparing a feast the likes of which we have not seen in a thousand years.

It is in times like this where the road to our dominion is never softer underfoot. They come to us and do not even realize all of the wonderful sins they committed. It is one of the pleasures upon admittance to show the poor saps all of the areas where they were serving us. The shock on the faces of those who have been taken in by the mere threat of the virus will be particularly entertaining to watch.

I know that you are new to this division and haven’t witnessed the terror of this process yet, but I can assure you it will be worth your work. Imagine looking upon a group of people who were lead to snub their families, friends, and duties, forsaking all courage and honor all because they were afraid of being disrupted by the Coronavirus. We then intensify their horror by showing them the things of which they really should have been terrified. After their treatment, they are all the more fit for consumption.

Fungleunderrot, I have now shown you the carrot long enough. I have spent too long stringing out the pleasures that await you once your work is complete. Now I must give you the stick. If you do not provide enough souls to meet your quota, you will be called to account for the deficiency and reinstitutionalized. I would hate for you to lose another one of your arms, but you know how insistent our father below can be.

With Malice and Spite,

Beelzebub
High Manager of Torment and Temptation
(666) 666-6666
[email protected]